What is up Canna Fam!!! Happy late freaking New Year!!! I spent a lot of the last 2 years growing up and learning how to heal and respect myself, however I spent even more time in the last 2 years failing at those things. I may have disappeared from you guys for a while, but man am I coming back wiser than I was before. I want to start the new year off with you guys talking about being selfish. Now when you google the definition of the word selfish, it says, “lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.” This is where I first see a problem, because who here has done something “selfish” after considering the outcome first? I sure as hell have. I don’t think you have to lack consideration for others to be selfish, and I don’t think you have to be solely concerned with your own profit or pleasure either. Sometimes the motivation to be selfish in the first place is because you know it will not only benefit you, but it will benefit those around you for you to learn how to take care of yourself first and put yourself number one. While I know that is only one resource of the definition for selfish, I think most of us can agree that we, as a society, have decided that being selfish should be portrayed in a negative light, and that it is not something you should strive to be. This seems ironic, when I am entering 2024 more selfish than I have ever been, but also happier and more peaceful.
When I think of all the times I have felt selfish in the last few years, almost every one of those times is when I was setting a boundary with somebody. Why is it that when you are making it clear to somebody else of how you want to be treated, why does it feel selfish at first? When somebody sets a boundary with me or tells me how they want to be treated, I don’t for a second consider them being selfish in that moment, I just think that they have self respect and self love. When you really think about it, who else is going to have your back more than you at the end of the day? Without being a little selfish and looking inward at your desires, standards, and just overall what you will accept from others, how would you ever properly express your wants and needs? Especially for an empath, I believe it takes a certain level of selfishness to care about how you are being treated over how you may make someone else feel when setting boundaries. I spent a lot of my 20’s thinking I was being selfless and in turn giving people endless chances to get things right with me. I was impressed with the bare minimum, and having standards seemed “selfish”. Man do I wish I would have been more selfish.
Are there times where being selfish can actually be a bad thing? Absolutely! However, in my personal opinion, I believe that being selfish is an action and being self-absorbed or self- centered is a personality trait. It is important to practice the act of being selfish with good intentions, but not to become self-obsessed in the process. Let me give you two different examples: First example, you haven’t seen your best friend in 6 months and are about to meet up for lunch, you ask your friend if they wouldn’t mind coming solo to this lunch instead of bringing their spouse because you would really love to catch up and get some one on time with them since it has been so long. In this example, you have expressed what you would prefer based off of the duration that has passed since you have spent time together, and your friend now has the option to respond. In the second example, you see your best friend all the time, and they have mentioned they want to bring their spouse on your lunch date, you respond by saying that you would prefer they not come and only have lunches solo because you do not have a significant other and it would just be weird to be the third wheel. Now in this second example, you have taken an insecurity of yours and projected it on to your friend, and have chosen to set guidelines based on your own relationship status. Now people could argue that both of these examples are selfish, or that both are not, but what really breaks it down for me is whether it is coming from a positive or negative place. Are you setting boundaries within your selfishness, or are you trying to control the narrative? There is a huge difference. If you have a hard time really determining whether your selfishness is warranted, ask yourself who is gaining from that situation? If your answer is always just you, then you may not be practicing selfishness in the best way. In the first example, by you requesting alone time after 6 months of not seeing your friend, you guys can both walk away from that meet up feeling good and like you got some quality time together. In the second example, you may feel better about your own singleness by putting restrictions on whether your friends spouse comes, but your friend feels like he/she can’t share an extremely huge part of their life with you, and maybe that is not the best way to practice selfishness. Being selfish can be a great thing if you are also willing to be present with your selfishness.
At the end of the day, my advice to all you amazing humans is go be great! Value yourself first and foremost. Never stop going for your goals, never give up on yourself, and never ever let someone else get in the way of showing up for yourself. It is OKAY to be selfish. It is OKAY to choose you. It is never okay to intentionally make someone else feed bad in order to protect yourself though. You can still give grace to people while being selfish, but more importantly, you can give grace to yourself while being selfish. No one knows you better than yourself, and no one knows your end goal for your life like you do. Live like you know where you are headed, and be firm in your decisions because they are all we have in this journey of life. I think it takes a little selfishness to survive, and I hope that if for some of you that don’t practice being selfish in fear of being self-absorbed, understand there’s a difference. You can truly love all those around you, want the best for everybody in your life, and still choose yourself first and foremost. I hope that this blog gives you the courage to stand up for yourself today, set a boundary, and go be your best selfish self!
Please send any topics, comments, suggestions, or questions to ch*********@gm***.com. Everything will remain confidential, unless otherwise agree upon.
