Happy Sunday Canna Fam! Hope you had an amazing 4/20! Today I want to discuss projection, whether you are on the receiving end or whether you are the one doing the projecting. Let’s start by breaking down what it means to project on to someone else. “Psychological projection is a defense mechanism where individuals attribute their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or motives to another person” (Helpfulprofessor.com, 2024). Have you ever found yourself responding to a situation in a way that has hardly anything to do with the actual situation at hand? Typically, this happens because you have experienced a similar situation before that most likely did not go well, and now you are assuming the worst walking into a new chance at how to handle this kind of situation. We are ALL guilty of this, but are you aware of it is the better question? Projection can feel really shitty (excuse my French), especially on the receiving end, so I am going to dive into some examples of when you may find yourself projecting, and hopefully we can work on minimizing these together!
Throughout life, we all experience traumatic situations that attribute to our future downfalls in some ways. For example, how many of you reading this have insecurities that you are still working through? SAME! These insecurities may be self-instilled, or they may be ones you didn’t have before you had an experience that changed your level of self-worth in some ways. Projecting can be really hard to recognize within yourself while you are doing it. For example, if you find yourself during an argument with somebody picking on their appearance, this may be a good time to look within and ask yourself if this is something you dislike about your own appearance. This is a great time to practice the pause I have mentioned in previous blogs, and make sure that your thoughts are reflecting how you really feel and making sense to the current situation at hand and the present individual you are dealing with. This can be much easier said than done and can take a lot of repeated unsuccessful attempts before you start being more aware of it. Another example of projection that is a bit more obvious to recognize in yourself is when you are clearly having a bad day. Have you ever noticed when you are having a really bad day, you sometimes end up just taking everyone else down with you? This can be on a personal level or even if you are in a customer service position, whoever is on the receiving end of you that day, they may feel the bad day you are having without it belonging to them. This goes back to me saying, make sure your thoughts are reflecting how you really feel before you project them on to somebody else.
Now let’s switch our perspective and now assume that we are on the receiving end of projection. When someone projects, it can feel really confusing sometimes. You may find yourself thinking, “Where is this coming from?”. These thoughts are valid because a lot of the time you really have no idea where it is coming from on their end. You cannot see the past experiences this person has went through to make them feel the way they do in their current state of mind. Usually, it feels obvious to you this projection isn’t about you, and definitely about themselves, but sometimes it seems impossible to get THEM to see this. In my personal opinion, there is a negative and a positive way to handle someone projecting on to you. For the positive example, I would suggest whenever you get the feeling that someone is coming from an “unhealed” place with you and may be misplacing anger or hurt, try not to engage in a hostile way. I know that it can be difficult when someone seems out of line to then try and kill them with kindness in return and choose support rather than conflict, but it is typically the more positive way to handle the situation. This is also commonly called, “Being the bigger person”. Now if you choose to handle this in a more negative way, you may find yourself escalating the situation by becoming extremely defensive the moment you feel the projection starting. This does not mean you are necessarily in the wrong as no one deserves to be projected on to, but it may not be the best way to minimize the outcome of the situation. Some people are much further along in their healing than others, and while you do not have to tolerate the projections of an individual if that person cannot take accountability for it at the end of the day, there are ways to healthily remove yourself from these types of situations.
If you are reading this and starting to ask yourself, “Oh man, do I project?”, the answer is probably YES. Now it is time to dig into where it is coming from and how you can fix it for yourself. This is not something I can give you the exact recipe to unfortunately, however I can definitely give some suggestions that may help point you in the right direction. While all our journeys and past traumas may be vastly different, we can all benefit from talking to a therapist at some point in our lives. I know it can be extremely scary for some to think about being vulnerable with a stranger, however, that stranger having an unbiased opinion about your life can feel oddly calming and supportive. While listening to a few podcasts interviewing therapists on “Couples Therapy”, I discovered a therapist say that when being projected on enough by your partner, you can actually experience polarization and end up playing out the role that is being projected on to you. This can get extremely confusing, whether you are on either end of this, as it gets really hard to stay present in the current moment and know what feelings actually belong to you and which feelings belong to your partner. A therapist can help with coping mechanisms and tools for projection, whether you are on the receiving or giving end. I think that at some point in all of our lives, we experience moments where we just find it hard to stay present. The best thing we can do if we notice this about ourselves, is find a way to stay grounded. Try and notice something in the room that brings you to this present time, and if you can get to a mirror before responding, I would suggest doing so and telling yourself a positive affirmation that will keep you in the moment. Do you like to be in nature while you feel stressed? Ask whoever you are communicating with for a moment and walk outside with your bare feet on the ground. Our society has put so much pressure on fast paced and immediate gratification, that even in heavy conversation we feel the need to just get through it, even if it is at the detriment of your relationship taking a hit. Fixing projection comes with slowing down and starting the process of healing, and healing comes with time.
At the end of the day, projection is something you will experience in life whether you are experiencing it being done to you, you are the one doing it to others, or the most likely, both. The key to growth with projection is recognizing it, whether it is happening to you, or you are putting others through it. Once you recognize it is happening to you, ask yourself if the person projecting is also self-aware? Is this a conversation you guys can have, and will they work on themselves so that they can have healthier more present communication? If they won’t, are you willing to put yourself in healthier situations even if maybe that doesn’t include that person? If you are the one projecting on to others, is this something you think you are willing to work on? How can you help yourself to stay in the moment with each interaction so that you do not bring in past feelings or insecurities that could possibly hinder your relationship? These are all questions we should be asking ourselves when it comes to projection. Unfortunately, nobody is going to be able to avoid projection altogether, but you can definitely choose how long you want to put up with it in your life. It is not only healthy, but essential to set boundaries for yourself that keep projection at a distance, and instead highlight healthy communication that keeps you feeling safe and loved.
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